Spike Camp

Joke of the day.

Dan

Joke of the day.
« on: January 22, 2008, 04:14:42 PM »
Hillary Clinton, the lead Presidential Democratic Party candidate, tends to get on her soap box about banning all guns in America. She is considered to be more than just a little self-righteous. 

Last week at a rural elementary school meeting in north Texas she asked the audience of kids for total silence. Then she started to slowly clap her hands, once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, she said into the microphone, “Every time I clap my hands, a child in America dies from gun violence.”

A young boy in the front row named Johnny stood up and shouted out, "Well, stop clappin, your hands you stupid b**ch!"

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Keep 'em coming.
Dan
May God have mercy upon my enemies, because I won't.
- Gen George S. Patton Jr.

dave

Re: Joke of the day.
« Reply #1 on: January 23, 2008, 11:18:47 AM »
Good one.
It is all about the clean kill

DHE

Re: Joke of the day.
« Reply #2 on: January 23, 2008, 11:49:30 AM »
Dan;

That was a good one; and a good idea to do this section!

I will contribute some puns below my signature for the enjoyment of all.

DHE

-------------


1) King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war
with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates,
the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to
Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, "I'll give you
100,000 dinars for it."

"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know
who I am? I am the king!"

Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you
are."


(2) Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid
bowlers. However, all the Swiss league records were unfortunately destroyed
in a fire, and we will never know for whom the Tells bowled.


(3) A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted "Doctor! I think
I'm shrinking!!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You will
just have to be a little patient."



(4) A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins
that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day,
his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more.


On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them,
he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with
transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.


(5) Back in the 1800s, the Tates Watch Company of Waltham, Massachusetts
wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for
watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad
that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This,
of course, is the origin of the expression, "He who has a Tates is lost!"


(6) A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets
and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have
absolutely nothing to go on."


(7) An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man.
After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of
rawhide, gave it to the chief, and told him to bite off, chew, and swallow
one inch of leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to
see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong has
ended, but the malady lingers on."


(8) A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name
missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the
local civic official who apologized profusely saying,

"I must have taken Leif off my census."



DHE

Re: Joke of the day.
« Reply #3 on: January 23, 2008, 11:57:32 AM »

Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbles across a monastery and requests
shelter there. Fortunately, she's just in time for dinner and was treated to
the best fish and chips she had ever tasted. After dinner, she went into the
kitchen to thank the chefs.

She was met by two of the Brothers. The firstone says, "Hello, I am Brother Michael,
and this is Brother Charles." "I'm very pleased to meet you," replies the nun. "I just
wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever
had! Out of curiosity, who cooked what?"


Brother Charles replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar."

She turned to the other Brother and said, "Then you must be...?"


"Yes, I'm afraid so--I am the chip monk."

Philip

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Re: Joke of the day.
« Reply #4 on: January 23, 2008, 12:02:14 PM »
Bumper sticker I recently saw:

"I'd rather hunt with Dick than ride with Ted!"

Re: Joke of the day.
« Reply #5 on: January 23, 2008, 12:32:31 PM »
Here's one for ya

A man suffered from intense headaches, everytime he visited the doctor they had no idea of the cause. They finally decided that a full body scan would warrant a possible answer.  The results came back, and the doctor told the man what he had concluded:
Sir, it seems that your testicles have pushed up against your spine causing terrible headaches.
The man, more than a little disheartened by the news asked what could be done.
The doctor replied surgery to remove the 'cause' of the problem, or live with the headaches.

What could he do, he went home & decided to live with the pain.  For six months he went almost sleepless due to the excruciating pain, it cost him his job, and more than a little of his sanity.  Finally he decided he could no longer live this way, he contacted his physician and told him that he would have the surgery.

Once the surgery was completed and the 'problems' removed it was instantaneous relief, he was so happy he forgot how great life really was.  But however he could not get over the fact that he was not a whole man anymore.

He decided that a new image and wardrode would cheer him up. So he went into the finest suit store in the city.  A very sharp salesman named Jimmy picked him off as he entered the store. He told Jimmy he needed some new slacks.
Jimmy said I bet you wear a 30X34 no cuff, right?
The man was stunned; Jimmy was exactly right. He took the slacks and decided to test him
He said ok how about a shirt, Jimmy was again, right on the nose,
Next it was shoes and a sports jacket, again Jimmy new his sizes expertly.
The man asked him how he was so good at this and Jimmy said several years in the business and he was never wrong b/c of his experience.

The man was about ready to pay out when he realized that he needed new underwear, he told Jimmy expecting him to know that as well.
Jimmy said, ok, size 32 briefs right?
He was finally wrong, the man said nope your WRONG, i have worn size 30 briefs my entire adult life.
Jimmy looked at the man and said, Ok but if you continue to wear that size over time they will push your testicles up against your backbone and give you one helluva headache.

Dan

Re: Joke of the day.
« Reply #6 on: January 23, 2008, 10:59:23 PM »
A young gun fighter, hoping to become the fastest gun in the West, enters a saloon and sits down next to an old man formally known for being the fastest gun fighter around.  The young gun fighter asks the old man if he had any tip that could help him out.

The old man said sure and asked to see the young man's stance.

The young gun fighter, eager to learn, stood up to drawl his pistol and the old man stopped him.  He said, 'Your holster is way too high.  Move it down on your hip more.'

The young gun fighter pushed his holster down and drew his gun and shot the bow tie off the piano player playing piano in the corner.

The young man so impressed asked the old man for another tip.

The old man said, 'Cut a notch in your holster for the hammer and that should help a little.'

The young gun did just that and drew his pistol even faster this time and shot the cufflinks off the piano player in the corner.

The young man was once again impressed and asked if the old man had one last tip.

The old man replied, 'See that axle grease in that can over there.  Rub it all over your gun.'

The young man, a little skeptical, did as he was instructed and then ask, 'Why the axle grease?  Will that help me drawl my gun even faster?'

The old man answered, 'No.  But where Wyatt Earp gets done playing piano, it won't hurt so bad when he comes over here and shoves that gun up your A$$.'
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Dan
« Last Edit: January 23, 2008, 11:28:00 PM by Dan »
May God have mercy upon my enemies, because I won't.
- Gen George S. Patton Jr.